The Bestest Birthday Ever!

I just want to thank everyone who came to wish me a happy “Rezzday” Thursday night, you made it a wicked special night for me. Those who have read this blog know a little something about my past. Well, bringing home friends for a party is something my mom never allowed so really, I never really had a birthday party like that before, being surrounded by friends. Now I know what it’s like to be surrounded by people who love you, and I thank you all so much. It’s wonderful to know people care, and that my presence is genuinely appreciated and enjoyed. A special thanks to Simson for making the party possible.

My best gift though is all of you. Since coming into this - neighborhood I’ve been given the gift of friendship, caring and love by more than just a few people. I’ve now have a new best friend in Bahde Bing, and more caring friends than I could reasonably type in this blawg thingy without getting sore fingers. I also want to thank my special wizard boy LeCompte for adding his own blend of magic in making the night memorable, well the last couple of months really.

I love all of you guys so much!

Happy Holidays!

Hi everyone!

First let me wish all of you a wicked joy-filled holiday season filled with friends, family and lots of eggnog! The holidays are a time of warmth, friendship, love and wonder. Whether you celebrate during this holiday season for religious or non-religious reasons, it doesn’t matter really. This is a time of good cheer and goodwill, for the betterment of all humans. So we look forward to a new year, staying close to the ones we care about with hopes and dreams for a better tomorrow and well maybe one of those wicked cool Pleo’s delivered by Santa. <giggle>

I will not be around for a few days, I’m going to miss all of you a wicked lot! I should be back on the 26th.

So from Lil’ Tobi and me, happy holidays everyone!

Pushing Away Love

Have you ever known someone you really cared about, then suddenly have them push you away just as you became close? Just when you thought you had broken through all the barriers and defensive walls we put up, suddenly the boy you care so much about runs away. When I was a little younger, I was that boy. I think only now am I just starting to understand why that happened.

I think we are very inventive about finding reasons to not be loved. The funny thing is that in our hearts, we crave the closeness but as soon as we achieve that desire, we throw it away. I had all kinds of excuses to push away the love offered to me by a very special boy. “What if others found out?”, I think was my favorite excuse in convincing myself to resist falling in love. While that excuse certainly had some truth to it, it was overblown because everyone knew we were good friends and how would they know what went on in private? Then I tried to tell myself that I really did not trust him, but that was the worst lie of them all. I trusted him with all my heart, I couldn’t possibly imagine him ever wanting to hurt me. Then I decided that I’m just too ugly, therefore he couldn’t possibly really want me, he’s just being nice because he’s my friend. Ok, I confess that even right now I still have that fear.

Friendship and Love

My bestest pal Bahde Bing posted his thoughts about Thanksgiving on his blog last week and it got me thinking. I’ve never had many friends, I used to always play by myself. I’m wicked shy and just don’t have the guts to rush up and introduce myself to people. I always think the worst, they will hate me and will just embarrass myself so why even bother trying. I don’t know why or when this started, I guess it just always seemed to be that way. I’m sure my mother’s always picking on me and putting me down probably influenced that, along with other things that have happened.

So when I do make a friend, it feels almost magical. It seems like the absolute loneliest or saddest parts of my life were turned around because somehow, I made a friend at the right time. They usually find me though, not the other way around. It doesn’t matter though, knowing somewhere out there in the world cares about your feelings, thoughts and well-being is just so - uplifting. I think because I know what going through hurt feels like alone, my instinct is to try and befriend those I think need it. Usually I discover there is far more in common between us than I thought. I guess you could say friendship is always its own reward.

A good friendship I think is like being in love, maybe you can even call it love. I love my Bahde Bing, he means the world to me. Its kinda like the movies, “I’d take a bullet for him” because I value his friendship so much that I’d give up anything to protect him. Love can also be a kissy-kissy romantic thing, but sometimes I think that its hard to tell the difference between romantic love and true friendship. I know some married people say that there husband or wife is also their best friend but this isn’t always true. Should it be though? I would think it would help a lot, but what really is friendship?

I think there are different degrees of friends you can have that depends on a couple different things.

• Trust; Do I trust this friend enough to share my wicked deep, personal thoughts and emotions?
• Respect; Do I value this friend’s opinions, thoughts and accept them for who they are.
• Caring; If this person is hurt, lonely, upset or on top of the world. Do I care? Do I instinctively share this person’s emotions for better or worse?

I think anything beyond that is secondary. I think you can be wicked close friends and not necessarily always want to spend time together or have the same interests and hobbies. I think both help a lot but their not like part of the friendship rulebook.

I trust, respect and care about those I call friend. However, I think you really need to get to know someone before those things can really happen. But that’s what makes friendship and maybe love too kind of strange because sometimes it strikes like lightning. I think for the friendship to really become solid, after this strike of lightning it needs to be followed up by opening up and sharing because that is really the only way for both people to really learn and understand one another and that’s when the caring, trust and respect really become part of the relationship.

I’ve made lots of new friends lately, some of which I have very strong feelings about. I love all you guys so much!

Toby

Out of Character

Some topics really cannot be adequately addressed while trying to be completely “in character” and this is one such occasion. Last night I was shaken up by some news given by someone I like and is a regular at my shows. He has a “partner” in game he has had a close friendship with for some time and last night he was in a frantic state. Apparently someone logged in as his friend to inform him that his friend had passed away in “real life”. This person really could not speak english and could provide no further details.

Update: It’s common knowledge now that Dummie Beck is the deceased. Dusan has written an excellent tribute that features many thoughtful comments from those who knew Dummie. I recommend you go read it and contribute your condolences.

I care about those I surround myself with and I cannot imagine the pain and fear of suddenly losing complete contact with someone and left only assuming the worse. I am fortunate enough to possess the “real world” information for a couple of those online friends which means should an emergency arise, there is a chance I can make contact.

A Wild Week in the Rockies

Where do I start, it’s all kind of a blur. It began with a wicked long plane ride across the entire United States from one end to the other. The plane was filled with Boston Red Sox Fans, I had forgotten Denver was hosting the World Series! There was singing, chanting “Let’s go Red Sox!” that kinda got annoying after the first few times. After surviving the long trip, I arrived in Denver and took the nearly hour ride into the city from the airport. There’s a lot of homeless in Denver, it was a very sad sight.

Now keep in mind I was here to do a kind of giant science fair thing, but sports ended up dominating the first part of the trip really. My teachers took me out and we watched the Patriots and Game 4 of the World Series from a bar that was only like 1 block from Coors Stadium! (So close but so far….) We had a great time talking about school and watching the games. I even got to drink a beer soda or two! <giggle>

Going Away

Hi all,

I’ll away in Denver Colorado for the next week so you probably will not see me around much. I’m kinda going to a big science-fair kind of thing http://www.geosociety.org/meetings/2007/. My school is sending me, so I’m wicked excited but I’ll miss everyone a wicked lot! Take care of yourselves and see you all soon, maybe I’ll report on how its going on this blawg thingy!

Update:  I’m home, all safe and sound! I’ll tell you about the trip later tomorrow.

Toby

Halloween Events!

Hi all,

Me and lil tobi will be spinning halloweeny music (is that a word??) next week since I won’t be around the last week of October. So here is where you can rock out with me, participate in costume contests and have fun!

• When: Saturday Oct 20th 1pm-3pm SL Time (or later)
• Where: Aspen Nights
• Notes: We’ll be up in the Halloween Maze!

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• When: Monday Oct 22nd 5pm-7pm SL Time
• Where: Shadowed Stronghold

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• When: Wednesday Oct 24rd 5pm-8pm
• Where: The Vortex
  
• Notes: Party starts with AustinG’s Rock Show and continues into my set.

When did you decide to become gay?

Hi all,

That was a question a friend recently asked me and it made me think a little. I guess first reaction was to say “Well, it wasn’t something I thought about…it just kinda happened.” Like everything to do with the world of Toby, it’s kinda a complicated story. I guess the earliest “weird” feelings I could remember that involved other boys was around 11. One of my mom’s favorite threats was sending me to reform school and one day the way she made the threat sound, got me wicked excited. I don’t think the way I took the threat was the same way she meant it. But there was this idea in my head of other boys having an interest and wanting to be with me “and do things” that just shook up my mind. I didn’t know what it meant, but it was the first time that I suspected there was something really different about me. I mean, my mother always kinda said that but she always meant it in a mean way. Anyways, from that day on I knew I just “thought” different than other boys normally do I think.

Watching the Clock

Some kids know exactly what I mean when I say that I would look up at a clock and start to shake like I was cold. I guess that’s what it really feels like, being afraid of something you don’t seem to have any control over. You’re just kinda left with that shiver, like on a chilly fall day when it first starts to get cold and you know winter is on the way. A little part of you dies inside I think.

I guess things started to go wrong between me and my mom when I was 10 or 11. I think it started with things disappearing out of the house. A pair of pants, a dollar bill, or even something just being out of place like a light left on. I guess since I was the only kid in the house, anything “wrong” would pretty much automatically be my fault. At least that’s how I thought other mom’s treated their kids. Even when I couldn’t remember doing something wrong, I got punished anyways. I guess that happens to every kid at some point, but this began happening almost every day.

The way things went was pretty much always the same, just a different object or thing each time. When I was younger she’d just yell at me and tell me to stay in my room. But one day when something was missing that left her particularly mad, she just strapped me with a belt until I admitted what I had done. Well, actually I lied to her because I had no idea what she was talking about but it made her happy to hear me scream it. That was the day that I learned that confessing to doing bad things even when you didn’t do them, made things wicked easier than telling the truth. It would really take another year or two of her going crazy sometimes and just strapping me until I confess before I really understood what I needed to do to make her happy. She explained to me that I just blocked doing bad things out of my head because I was “retarded” and just needed to spend time in a juvenile hall or mental hospital like she did - that way they could make me a man. So whenever something disappeared and went wrong, I just said “Yup, I did!” and she didn’t beat me. I’d be grounded for 2 weeks then out just like nothing ever happened.